From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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