I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
