So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
