Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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