Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
my poor anus
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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