I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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