I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
