Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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