and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
