I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
