I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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