I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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