Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
