It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
