If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
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