Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
