I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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