i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
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