just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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