i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
He better not be in your backpack
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
