walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
