I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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