Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize