no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
