I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
