I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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