I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
