Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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