I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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