Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
