ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
