i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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