Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
