he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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