Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Randomize