she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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