3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
