he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
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