The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
