I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize