there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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