I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
