My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
