Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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