I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
