you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
