wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize