I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Just pee around me
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Randomize
