Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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