I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
