I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
