4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Randomize
