My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
