Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
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