What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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