I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
