Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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