I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
