o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i just google imaged poop.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
