I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
People in love make me want to vomit
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
