WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
