I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
she told me i tasted like america
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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