Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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