At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
