i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
