mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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